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"Noir"
by wiccanbuffy (wiccanbuffy)
at May 4th, 2007 (12:58 pm)
busy

current mood: busy

Previously on "Smallville", Lois wasn't on the show, lots of blackmailing went on, and Lana turned into Evil!Lana (sort of). And there was no Helo.



We start off at the Daily Planet, where Iceman from X-Men has popped on over to do battle with Superboy. Okay, fine, it's really Iceman's twin brother, Jimmy Olsen, but still. Anyway, Jimmy is taking his girlfriend, Chloe, on a date at the Planet, setting up a whole movie theatre so they can watch "The Big Sleep" all while Jimmy says the lines during the show. Then... GUNSHOT! Lana is lying in the floor of the elevator of the building, blood pooling very strangely (and far too quickly), and looking VERY DEAD. There is much cheering for Lana FINALLY dying around here. (It won't last long, but I enjoy it as long as I can!)

Back from break, and the bullet wound has mysteriously moved from her right shoulder to her left, like the magic bullet with JFK or something. And, of course, they're taking Lana to Smallville Medical, because she ends up there every other episode. Sadly, this means she's NOT dead because the producers want us to love Lana. Clark shows up (man, he gets around fast!), and learns what happened. Jimmy's taking pictures of the crime scene (is he allowed?) and Papa Luthor whispers to Lana that he'll find out who did this to her. Of course by now, the bullet wound has moved AGAIN to her LEFT side, but that's simply because so many fans of the show are praying for her death that it just keeps switching sides. (Ah, if only we all got together on this one!) Lex pretends to be upset over what happened, and Lois steals a cigarette case from the crime scene. Yeah. Nice going there, ace reporter.

Jimmy is trying to download a pic from his cellphone or something of Lana's attacker, but he's knocked on the head and we finally get to the cool part of the show. He wakes up and everything's black and white, with lots of rain, shadows, fog, smoking, and drinking. (WOOT!) It's 1940, and he's a reporter at the Daily Planet (though why he is, I've no idea since Jimmy has always been a photographer, but I'm going with it.) Chloe shows up as His Girl Friday, complete with fire-quick delivery of lines, and Clark "accidentally" spills coffee on her boobs. Then tries to wipe it OFF her boobs. While this is awesome all by itself, Clark Kent is a cub reporter who is a clumsy nerd, complete with the glasses we've all come to know and love. Ah, Clark. If only you were like this on the show! But Jimmy gets a call from someone with big-painted-lips who whispers, "I'd like to report a murder... mine!" DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUM!

Turns out, it's Lana. Who has a cold or laryngitis or something because you can barely understand her. I think she's going for the Kathleen Turner-husky-voice, but instead she sounds lame. Lana meets up with Jimmy in a deserted alleyway and tells him Lex is trying to kill her. And then she flirts with Jimmy. Why oh why did LANA have to be the femme fatale in this eppy? Why? Because this show is ALL ABOUT LANA. Anyway, she hands Bobby Drake Jimmy a cigarette case (PAY ATTENTION! THIS IS IMPORTANT LATER BECAUSE HELLO, IT'S THE SAME FREAKING ONE THAT LOIS STOLE!). Inside the case is a matchbook for "The Talon", which in this reality has been turned from a coffee shop to a bar. Complete with Papa Luthor smoking stogies, Lois as the uber-sexy lounge singer (think Jessica Rabbit and you'll have a good idea), and... wait, is that Clark without his glasses? Why, yes, it is! Seems Clark has a "double-identity" (10 points to Gryffindor if you get the double meaning of that) and is actually "one of the good guys". Jimmy seems dubious, but it's Clark without his glasses trying to pull off sexy, so we'll go with it for now. Plus, both he and Jimmy are eying Lois, so I have to give 10 points to Clark for waking up and smelling the hottie. Lex is also here, complaining to Papa Bartender that he used to be a big shot and now he's just a guy MAKING shots for people. (Oh, Lex. Your humor is... well, not that funny.) Lex leaves and switches cars all SEKRETLY, but Jimmy follows thanks to a tip-off from Papa Bartender. He ends up in the Kent's barn (WTF?) where Lex and Lois are making out LEIK WHOA. Jimmy snaps up a pic of the smoochies (has Lois kissed every guy on the show now?), and we cut to the car chase.

Because what would a film noir be without a car chase, complete with a random train, rear-projecting, and a crash? (Although, Lex actually walks away from this one, go figure!)

Back from break, and Jimmy's at the Luthor Mansion where Lana is still nursing her cold. Or maybe it's all the smoking she's doing for this episode. He shows her the smoochie pic and promises to "take care of Lex", at which Lana hands him a gun. (AGAIN? Like THE LAST EPISODE? Okay, sing it with me... "Lana's got a gun... Lana's got a gun...")

It's raining, of course, and Jimmy confronts Lex about Lois and Lana. Lex says he's divorcing Lana and reaches into his pocket. Jimmy, being very stupid and having watched far too many film noir movies, shoots and kills Lex. But, before Lex dies, he utters one word... "Gardenia.....!" (I shit you not. It's like "Rosebud", only stupider). The cops are fast in the 40s because they show up within ten seconds of the murder, but Jimmy's faster and somehow manages to escape.

Lots of quick cuts here. Cut to the Daily Planet, where His Girl Friday finds out that Jimmy is wanted for murder. Cut to to the Talon where Jimmy is drinking away his troubles and Papa Bartender looks badass. Somehow Chloe gets there right away because time apparently has no meaning on this show, and she actually says the word "ginjoint" to her guy. Aww, I love Chloe. She tells Iceman Jimmy that she found out Clark is sleeping with Lana secretly. (HOW?!? Is this her secret mutation?!? To figure out EVERYTHING?) Meanwhile, Papa Bartender calls up Lana and tells her that Jimmy is onto her. Which is okay for her since she got someone else to kill her husband, and Clark is standing behind her wearing a white tank-top, which in the 40's meant you were making the best with two backs. (Ten more points to Gryffindor if you know that one!) Lana puts a gun in her purse (and where the hell is she getting her guns? Seriously. I loved Evil!Lana in black last episode, but Evil!Lana in black this episode pretty much sucks, and not just because of her laryingitis). She leaves Clark alone and we go to break.

We come back from break, and Jimmy's at the planet. He thinks Clark's the baddie, but Lana is there in black (of course, because this show is ALL ABOUT LANA), and she shoots Iceman Jimmy. I seriously yelled at the TV and told him to just "ice up", hoping he wouldn't die. Lana gets shot by Clark, who (it turns out), is actually an undercover cop. Jimmy is saved by the damn stupid cigarette case which has a FREAKING GARDENIA on it. Yup. That was why Lex said that. I TOLD you to pay attention! Why the bullet doesn't go through it, though, is beyond me, but whatever. Clark arrests Jimmy for Lex's murder - and who didn't want to see Superman vs. Iceman right there? - but then, Jimmy wakes up and everything is in color again. Dammit.

Gardenia means something, Jimmy realizes. Wait, how? HOW do you realize this? Because you had a dream where you were the hero who got arrested and your life was saved by a cigarette case? Well, it turns out he's right because the cigarette case is missing (remember Lois?) Jimmy thinks that Lana was shot over it (wait, whaaaaaaat?), and through some weird sleuth work that I couldn't understand after watching it 3 times, Chloe and Jimmy go to a different floor to confront some guy in a trenchcoat who admits he had a meeting with Lana and was the one who bopped Jimmy on the head. Then? Trenchcoat!Guy is shot. (Dude, lots of guns in this eppy...) Jimmy fights off the thug, Chloe calls Clark and falls off a ledge all "Vertigo"-style, and Clark saves her, then vanishes. All is well.

Papa Luthor is at the Talon and steals the GARDENIA cigarette case from Lois, because there's actually a pink flash drive inside it. (PINK? Sorry, ten points taken away from Gryffindor now thanks to Lana's pink-fetish). Turns out that there's a teeny scene of Lex talking to a senator about "Project Aries" (or Ares? Who knows), and we STILL don't know who shot Lana. Although, do we care? Anyone could shoot her and I'd be happy. Hell, she got shot twice in this eppy alone and it made me very happy.

Lana's at Smallville Medical Center, since that's where she spends her off-hours. Her right shoulder is now in a sling, so where was the wound exactly? Oy vey. Chloe shows up and finds out from Lana that Papa Luthor has been forcing her to spy on Lex. Apparently, Lana was going to turn over the flash drive to the police to "save Clark". I don't care at this point if he lives or dies, though. He's still the big, dumb alien who can't take care of his own crap like, oh, the Phantom Zone? (The writers forgot about that plot, methinks.)

Back at the Planet, Clark ats like a jealous boyfriend of Lana's, which is silly since we all know he really loves Lex. Chloe, who apparently now has the same speed ability as Clark, is there to tell him that Papa Luthor is really behind it.

Some goon (back at Smallville Medical) tells Lex that Lana was carrying Lex's gun. ("Lana's got a gun... Lana's got a gun...")

Jimmy, however, is the hero and gets the front page of the Planet for his work. There's a HUGE product placement for the iPod right here, but at least the song playing is the one Lois sang back in the 40's. He has a new job in a new state, kisses Chloe, and it turns to black and white. Awww, bye bye Jimmy. It was nice having you on the show, even though it made no sense at all that you'd be the same age/older than Clark.


Next week - THE RETURN OF HELO! And, damn, he looks badass!

Comments

Posted by: Dark_Wesley (dark_wesley)
Posted at: May 4th, 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)
Typing Batman

(Maybe I need a bagging-on-"Smallville" icon.)

Martha who?

Yeah. Nice going there, ace reporter.

From a rival paper, at a crime scene inside the Planet offices, no less.

There's a HUGE product placement for the iPod right here

And for the Toyota Yaris' mp3 player port, can't forget that. Justice and Doom!

I just realized the "gardenia" thing makes no sense. I mean, in terms of the dream-plot, it's meaningless. Lex says it, but Jimmy doesn't figure anything out: Lana is there, and tells him she's the bad guy, so Lex's last word is completely moot. The fact that it leads real-Jimmy to the real-clue is stupid, since no one and nothing else in the dream knows it's a dream.

And no screencaps yet, but I'm totally making an animated icon of Welling's eyeglass raise for myself. *L*

Posted by: wiccabuffy (wiccabuffy)
Posted at: May 5th, 2007 08:38 pm (UTC)
Smallville - No more Lana please!!

It could prove useful, yes. :)

And seriously, the Gardenia thing was just a throwback to Rosebud. That's it. It makes NO SENSE at all. *le sigh*

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